Hey Dad

[[edit: my dad is alright for the time being, but anything is possible to happen. its just a matter of time. i wanna apologise to the people who find this entry offensive because im really heated up and moreover, you know i tend to rant and will not stop unless ive cooled down. haha and no worries friends! im strong as ever its just that sometimes, i so wanna kill my dad for being the stubborn guy he is and not trying to listen me once. even when it comes to concern about his health. my sis and i know that he loves us. but still, he sometimes have to put aside his ego and pride and take care of himself and not always worrying about small things and us. i just want him to know that he is not alone and we care. thats all. (: but still, thank you friends for the many many concerns. love you ]]

no songs for today. because i

1. have no mood to sing or listen to anything happy.
2. am crying like fuck.
3. extremely worried for daddy
4. still, very worried for daddy

before i start off with this entry, i would like to wish my daddy a happy 58th birthday. (happy 58th, old man! have a beer!) i love you.

i cooked dinner. it was scrumptuous, however things werent working well for dad. after dinner, he headed to the sofa and rest for a moment until i brought him to the room to rest instead. moments later, he came out of the room, telling me that his chest isnt doing well. his heart is pumping really fast. i felt his pulse and omfg he turned red and has a heart beating as fast as techno music played in clubs.

apparently, he clutched his heart tight and i knew that something is different. he clutched his heart. not good.

feeling worried, i ran to my room and got changed, telling my dad to get change and we'll head to a hospital to get him a check-up. as stubborn as always, my dad rejected the offer and claimed that he is fine. NOT OKAY, alright mr. yeong. he told me it was the alcohol. i felt rediculed, because the last time he drank was 3 hours earlier and its impoosible for the alcohol to toll now, when its supposedly to happen 3 hours earlier.

and he started telling me ridiculous things like :

"if something happens to me, please look after christel."

fuck you, dad. dont tell me things like this now. my head started running wild. all the 'what-if(s)' popped from nowhere and im really worried that something will really happen to him. i have already lost a mom, how can i bear to lose another? do you even understand? what am i going to do if you are gone? what will happen to christel? i cannot afford to lose another. im emotionally and mentally strained. please dont leave me alone here.

im infuriated and feeling very crossed. i wanted to dial the ambulance, or just drag him out of the house to the hospital, but im very scared that he would slap or hit me or shout into my ears. as i cried, i shouted at him," mommy made a mistake, i dont want you to make the same mistake as what she did."

he turned to me and asked me to shut up. more tears started to roll down my cheeks.

do you really understand?
do you even care?
i love you , dad.
but will you even realise?
i tried and i really did
i just want you to listen to me talk
for once, thats all i ask for
and yet you turned away
giving me the colds and punched into my lines
i really care, i really do
and you know i cant afford to lose another
daddy, i love you

i stayed up late till 6, just to check on my dad to make sure nothing happens and he is still breathing and with a heart beating. im worried; my head to toes start weakening. i cried till my eyes swell, and i hope my tears are worth tearing. mommy i miss you i really do, i wish you will look upon daddy and make him healthy and very much alive. we need a dad now. its not time yet, not yet.

when my spirit gets too weak